Sunday, October 21, 2007

Regina Spektor is a Bitch

ok so as I have alluded to in my previous posts, Alex is now officially a contributing member to this blog. I don't think he's going to write frequently, but whenever he has a rant or random tangent he wants to write about, I'll put it up in return for some sort of favor, most likely of the sexual variety. Without further ado, here's Alex with "Regina Spektor is a Bitch":




This past weekend I was lucky enough to attend a Regina Spektor concert at Brandeis for only $5. Now now, I know what you’re all thinking, and no, I am not on the rag. But you know who probably was? Regina Spektor, because she was moody and a total bitch throughout the show. All the girls in attendance seemed to love her, but when observed by a non-biased viewer like me, it was clear this woman was as unpleasant as the mustache I’m currently growing (details later).
When you think of a concert, especially one held at a college, what atmosphere would you expect to find there? Lively, festive, drunken, and fun are all thoughts that came to my mind. I’ve been to a show at Brandeis before (Blackalicious, if you must know), and the show was just as you’d expect it to be- it was loud and fun. This Regina Spektor show was different. Right before the show began a groupie came on stage and welcomed everyone to the show. There were cheers from the crowd and people were obviously starting to get really into it… then the groupie dropped the bomb shell that spelled the beginning of the end for the night. “Hey ya’ll, tonight Regina only brought her piano which means that this is going to be a quiet show. That means no cheering or talking during the performance, ok? So let’s get it out of our systems right now and cheer!” Awkwardly everyone cheered, but we were quickly silenced and reminded that that was all the cheering to be done that night. Seriously?
The lights went out and everyone naturally started cheering for Regina. Almost immediately the three bouncers standing by the stage began waving their arms to quiet us down, and people hadn’t even been cheering for more than a minute. Lame, totally lame, and not a good first impression. Regina came on stage and did some weird hippy chanting that people seemed to like. I didn’t. Still there were some cheers from the audience, which quickly resulted in an angry glare by Regina. She then moved to her piano and began playing her music. I like lots of music and I’d heard good things about her from others, and too be perfectly honest her music wasn’t that bad (albeit a little repetitive). Still, her attitude completely ruined the show for me, and it just got progressively worse.
About two songs in people were back to cheering and talking quietly amongst themselves, realizing that her music was in fact audible as long as you weren’t obnoxiously loud. This apparently wasn’t appreciated by Ms. Spektor, because as soon as she began to play her third song she stopped abruptly, hit the keys on the piano and stated lecturing us to be quiet. “Now, maybe you didn’t hear the announcement made at the start of the show, but I only have a piano here which means the shows going to be quiet. That means, if you guys talk, no one can hear the music. You guys want to hear me play right? Good! Then shut up and listen!” Jesus, what a goop chute! This speech was followed by quiet applause by her groupies and hard-core fans who apparently have never been to concerts and don’t understand that standing in silence for over an hour isn’t that much fun.
Throughout the rest of the night any time anyone spoke there was an immediate “shh” from somewhere in the crowd. Even during another one of her songs Regina added a “shh” to get us to quiet down even more. Get over yourself lady, you’re on a college campus and half the kids there are intoxicated and want to enjoy themselves. This isn’t a piano recital, it’s a music concert, and you weren’t even good enough to deserve our utmost attention. This was evident about half way through the show, when she forgot the words not once, but twice during a song. Then, once she remembered the word, she promptly forgot how to play the musical accompaniment. “Fuck!” she happily yelled out loud, which was followed by laughter and more quiet support by the die-hards. Hm, apparently not only is it ok, but it’s funny to fuck up three times in row after making yourself out to be the second coming. I kept hearing girls whispering how nice and down to earth Regina was, but everything I saw from her screamed bitchy. First impressions say a lot, and the impression I got was Regina Spektor has sand in her vagina.

Friday, October 19, 2007

p.s. I'll put Alex's rant up tomorrow, I haven't read it yet but it promises to be good...

Bathroom Stories Part II...

ok so I believe I left off with the baby shitting on the street in Shanghai. After this rude introduction to baby bathroom manners in China (yea, I could delve into detail about the grossness of adults and public washrooms as well, but that's another story for another day...) So we're going to pick this story up during our Spring Break trip (that transition makes it seem like Beijing is more civilized with the baby clothing slits, which on further thought may be true, but I also only gave that 2 seconds of thought, so that may not be the case). Anyways, we just climbed a mountain next to the Shaolin Temple in 90+ degree heat with all of our clothes for the week (pretty badass, I know) and after getting a ride into the city (another story for another day as well...) we find a bus to take us to Zhengzhou, a trip that would be a little over an hour. Now this bus was not very big. Maybe enough seats for 30 people max. We hopped on while the bus was moving. It was pulling out, some Chinese guy gestured to us that this was the bus we wanted so we ran up to it and it stopped just enough so we could hop on. Unfortunately, there were not five seats near each other so Alex and I sat right behind the door, Tingting and Hua got a row together a few aisles back and poor Nate was in the back of the bus. I forget why, but for some reason I had to stay awake on this bus ride even though I was exhausted and sweaty and just wanted to sleep. Regardless, this was a sketch ass Chinese bus which meant that it, of course, stopped along the road to pick up migrant workers with big sacks of rice or something or other. The seats were all full but we kept making stops. At the end of the trip (or at least where we got off) there were probably a solid twenty more people on that bus then there should've been, but yet I digress... At one of the stops, a mother and her very young child board the bus and proceed to seat one aisle up across from me. I'm basically zoned out at this point, listening to my music, trying not to fall asleep and praying that I'm not about to die in a car wreck. So I'm staring at the floor when suddenly I see a trickle of water running across the aisle of the bus. At first, I think nothing of it, then I look up to see that the baby is currently urinating on the floor of the bus. Fucking fantastic. So I instinctively move my backpack away from the river of pee. Of course it's already wet. So I look up at the mother, looking for an apology or mea culpa or at some sort of recognition that her baby's urine just made contact with my bag and of course she was oblivious. At this point, I've moved my bag to a few feet away from the urine and my feet are safely on a railing to prevent my shoes touching the piss. Thankfully we were in a vehicle in China so almost immediately we make a sharp turn that sends the urine hurtling in a new direction, you guessed it, right at my bag. So I make a Herculean effort to lift it up juuuust before the urine makes contact again. However, now I have a problem. There is pee all over the place and nowhere for me bag to go. I had to hold my bag by the strap for the last twenty minutes of the bus ride. It couldn't go on the floor because there was pee. It couldn't go on my lap because there was pee. No, I had to hold it. If this wasn't bad enough, aside from the fact that the mom clearly didn't give a shit about what had just transpired, no one around me cared as well. This baby just peed in a common area and everyone acts as if nothing has happened! Sometimes that country seriously confounds me. Anyways, two days later we found ourselves in Kaifeng, quite possibly one of the most surreal experiences of my life (another story for another day, actually this is all my Spring Break Story, maybe I should start posting installments on that soon....). We were probably the only foreigners in the city. And where did we go when we were tired and sweaty and waiting for the bus to take us back to Zhengzhou? None other than KFCizzle. I of course got a meal because I am a fatass. Everyone else just sat there or got some iced cream. While we are sitting there, marinating, if you will, a woman enters the establishment with her child, once again, slit is apparent (one thing I've yet to mention about the slits, you can see EVERYTHING and i mean EVERYTHING. Not that I'm looking or anything, but it's somewhat unnerving when you're walking around and suddenly see a little kid's balls hanging out of his pants. If you're a pedophile go to China, you'll love it. Seriously). For some reason the mom thinks it's a great idea to put the baby on the table. In America, nothing wrong with that. In China, that means his ass is on the table with no buffer in between. Fucking disgusting. Luckily I enjoy my fried chicken, otherwise I would've puked. The lesson here: never EVER eat off a table in China, you never know if a baby's ass has made contact with where your food now sits...

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

So I'm Slow...

ok so I know I promised a blog post up before the LCS started. Well, that obviously didn't happen. Luckily, I'm an honest guy so I'll put up my original predictions, which were going to be d-backs in 6 (yea, that turned out really well) and sox in 7. i have no analysis right now, just that watching dice-k pitch last night was utterly exhausting. By the end of the game I felt like I'd thrown 100 pitches. Plus the fact that the Sox should've had about 6 runs at the end of the 2nd inning. argh. i wanted to stab my eyes out. Anyways, quick China story then Alex is going to put up a guest post.

So in China, rules of decorum are somewhat different than America. Case in point: lines are a foreign concept. They actually have standing in line Wednesdays where people have to actually practice standing in line in anticipation of the olympics because, you know, people in China don't stand in line. Also, cars don't stop for pedestrians. Crossing the street is a risky proposition. But those are not the purpose of this story, right now I'm talking about little children, xiao haizi, if you will. Now, in America, babies wear diapers so when they have to do their business, they don't get their clothes dirty and just kinda shit on the street. In China, babies do not wear diapers. They do not wear underwear. They have slits that expose their asses. When they have to shit or pee, they just go. The first time we experienced this was Shanghai. Walking down the street, minding our own business, we look at a baby squatting on the sidewalk. At first it looked innocuous. At second glance, it looked like hot mustard was coming out of the baby's ass. At third glance, it became apparent the baby was shitting on the sidewalk in plain view of everyone and no one seemed to give a shit. Third glance was right. This occured periodically throughout our trip in China. Unfortunately, I'm tired now, so I'm going to stop. HOWEVER, there IS a part II which gets juicier (literally and figuratively) and I'll put up Alex's post.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Baseball and Such

ok so i promised a post awhile ago, and of course i didnt do it. i could run down the reasons why, but they're all well-known to everyone at this point so i'll just get down to business.

so baseball playoffs started today and i'm going to try and use those as an impetus to post on a regular basis with crappy predictions that are 100% biased and will be proven false. i realize the playoffs started 7 hours ago, but whatever, i'm picking now anyways.

rockies-phillies: being honest, i don't really care about the national league, you can lump dbacks-cubs in here as well. i wanted the brewers and braves to make the playoffs but they didn't and im bitter. i guess the rockies are cool, they won a bunch at the end, but seriously, meh. i went to coors field once and i ate a bison hot dog there. it was awesome. i also enjoy drinking coors light. therefore i'm picking the rockies. that may be the dumbest set of reasons to pick a team, but i don't really care. they'll win in 4. as for the other nl series: we'll go cubs in 5. i'd rather the dbacks win but the cubs just seem better, even though they did their best to piss away the central division. these teams inspire no passion in me. typing this feels like watching women's soccer, or the wnba, or something else that's boring and i don't like.

yanks-indians: the indians have the best 1-2 in the playoffs, but at the same time, sabathia somehow hasn't pitched against the yanks since like 2004 (not sure if that's the exact number but its been several years, that just seems hard to do) and carmona is young. i just get the feeling the yankees are too experienced to lose to the indians. luckily my bias is going to shine through here and i'm predicting a-rod will go hitless and will set himself aflame athome plate looking at strike 3 in yankee stadium (a.k.a a giant shit hole that everyone reveres for no fucking reason. seriously, it's a fucking dump. have you been there? a regular sized "jumbo" hot dog and regular sized "jumbo" soda is like $10 and that was 2 years ago. the place is disgusting and cramped, smelly and dingy, like fenway park before they decided to sink some money to clean it up a bit. i don't care that they're moving into a new stadium in 2009, if they're going to claim to be america's team, they need to at least clean out the rats. i'd rather eat something at the stadium in anaheim than yankee stadium). that was long. i don't even know where i left off, so sorry if you actually read that. indians in 3, torre and cashman get fired, a-rod walks to the dodgers, all is right with the world.

red sox-angels:ok so the red sox somehow finished with the best record in baseball. now, i don't know how normies (i.e. people who didn't go to china) feel about this, but i find it incomprehensible. not that we didn't deserve to make the playoffs, but it seems like we've been a .500 team since i've been home. not bad, but nothing special. of course, all the damage happened when i was in beijing, which sucked because i couldn't revel in any of it. remember that back to back to back to back home run game against the yanks in october? sure was fun to watch wasn't it? o yea, i had espn game cast on. and ran back to check the score in between classes. really fucking fun. the only advantage to being cut off from sports is that the nfl playoffs didn't happen last year. last i heard, we beat the jets, and pulled out the game in san diego, then the playoffs were cancelled. no afc chamionship. no super bowl. no pro bowl (but then again no one cares about the pro bowl anyways). after the chargers game, next thing i knew we'd signed adalius thomas and traded for randy moss. maybe the super bowl counts double this year since it didn't happen last year. hm... so back to the original thought, somehow we got home field throughout the playoffs. sweet. and beckett just fadumped the angels. mannys back. ortiz is hitting. mikey lowell is a gentleman of cuban descent with a fine mustache. and eric gagne single handedly tried to kill my fantasy and make me commit suicide. sox will win in 4

i kinda did a china story above but i'm going to elaborate on the sports thing. ok so before i went to college, i maintained that one of my goals was for my school to make the ncaa basketball tournament, and i'd be in the front row, with my chest painted in my school colors. this is a fact. ask my parents, they will confirm it. so going to villanova, there was a good probability of this happening. they've made it every year since i've been in college. however, freshman year, i was on spring break and couldn't attend the game. sophomore year, i was at hc and we lost in the patriot league championship. HOWEVER, last year, we beat bucknell and made the tourny. we were playing in ohio and the school was offering a bus to the game. of course i was in china and my dream died. so anyway, we drew southern illinois and the game was scheduled for 10am saturday march 17 beijing time i.e. st. patricks day. so we decided we would go to lush, a cool bar/restaurant with internet access to watch the game and start our drinking since they were offering 10 kuai Guinesses all day (equivalent of $1.25) so we get to the bar on time, but, of course, the internet isn't working. i can't connect to the slingbox and the cbs site where you can watch online won't load, so we're reduced to watching espn gamecast again. if i hadn't had that in china, i probably would have hung myself. so finally corey, another hc kid, got his web cam to work and he got his friends back in connecticut to point their webcam towards the tv so we could watch the game (at first it wasn't the hc game but it switched over). so at 11am on a saturday morning, there were 10 or so americans drinking, eating breakfast and all huddled around a laptop cheering a game through a video chat. so of course, hc lost, because things work like that, but it was close. afterwards, the bar tried to scam us on the Guiness. they said that the "10 kuai Guiness all day" didn't actually apply until after noon, because this is china and why would "all day" actually mean "all day" (i.e. 24 hours). that would be ridiculous. after about 20 mins of back and forth arguing, we got a round of Guiness for 10 kuai then left to go wander around wu dao kou and drink, cuz thats how we roll. ok this is too long, i think i've been writing for close to 20 mins, so i'm done for now, i'll post again by the time lcs start