Quick Hit and CHEATING

This will not be a long post, but I thought it funny and wanted to add it. In Wuxi, I had a friend who was in, shall we say, an explosive relationship with a Chinese girl. Generally they would be fighting all of the time, which could be funny or awkward, depending on the time and place. Anyway, one time my friend was recounting a fight they were having (I believe around Christmas time, which is the inspiration for this post). So they’re going back and forth, saying awful things to one another, and he decides to tell her that Chinese people are monster and have no soul. She promptly threw a picture frame at him and scarred his chest.

For another quick hit, as most of you know, I used to teach over in Wuxi. Generally I’d be pretty lax with my students, but i HATED when they would cheat or try to cheat. I’m not a hardass and would try and find ways for them to pass... except when it came to cheating. Through my year there, I found out that cheating is not quite the academic taboo we find here in America since no one fucking gives a shit. On their final exam in my listening class, several students showed up early for the exam. I thought nothing of this, since I was preparing their test and I know I usually show up very early for exams to settle myself in. For the exam the basic ground rule was that you could have nothing on your desk beside the test and your writing implement. I brought a towel and laid it on the floor in front of the class for any personal belongings. The students found this humorous. The towel was not mine, it was left in my apartment from the person before me.... who also decided it would be a great idea to take the mattress off its hinges and leave it on the floor. This person also quit over Chun Jie break and didn’t tell anyone. But his loss was my gain and I got his apartment. Anyway, the test begins. I have never been a proctor before and trying to keep my eye on 36 students is not easy. Luckily I am a fucking hawk.. or at least I tell myself this. Within five minutes I see a student who has some piece of paper in her eyeglass case. I take it from her immediately. She tries to protest there is nothing in there, but I’m not an idiot. I continue the test and everything seems to go well.Before the test, I had been tipped off by an anonymous student (who revealed him/herself two me several weeks later after much pleading) about a certain number of students who were planning to cheat. During the test, I found nothing. It was weird, because I expected people to cheat. So the test ends, I collect everything and go back to my office then eat lunch in the cafeteria. Due to a weird happening where a student got pulled out of the test twice (the school claimed he didn’t pay tuition and wouldn’t let him take the test, which seemed like bullshit. Take the test and throw the result out, don’t pull him from the test), I needed to go back to the testing classroom to administer the test again. After he finished, I was sitting in the class. Under the pretense of collecting candy wrappers (I gave everyone a mini Snickers before the test, which prompted most of them to throw the wrappers on the ground), I walked around the classroom and saw this:

RIGHT ON THE FUCKING DESK. ugh. Apparently some students had spoken with the class before them, found out what was on the test, and wrote the answers on their desk. Now some of these students would not have passed, BUT SEVERAL WERE TOP STUDENTS. I mean students who would have easily passed if they tried. In a class of 36, 9 blatantly cheated and I could have guessed about another 8-10 more, but had no proof.

So I spend the next day or so bitching at my friends about this and they all tell me I need to take a stand and fail them. At this point, I have already decided I’m pulled a Melo and will be one and done, so it really doesn’t matter what I do at this point, so I agree with them. But I decide failing them isn’t as much fun/foolproof if I don’t have proof... so I decide to trap them. Their listening (cheating) test was Monday. Oral test Wednesday. For their oral test, I gave them five questions to prepare, they would need to answer three at random. The first two students were clean, so no worries. The third student was their class monitor (not sure how to describe this. I guess someone who keeps the class in line and keeps attendance? I guess think of a sports team captain, some responsibility but not a huge deal). Anyway, she was a suspect. So she comes into the class and reaches for my hat, which contained the numbers of the questions. I pulled it away from her. She got confused. I asked her what she knew about students cheating on Monday’s test. She said she knew nothing. I asked her again, same response. I asked her a third time and we sat in silence for a minute. I gave her my patented piercing gaze. After the minute she said “you know about the cheating?” “o yes, I do, so you should probably tell me what you know.” She wouldn’t give up any names, but I had a head start thanks to my element of surprise (and yes, this was warfare).

So as soon as she leaves, she tells everyone outside that I know what happened and am ready to take people down. I got one person who claimed she never looked at the answers she had written in ink on her desk. Things came to a head with the last person, who asked me what would happen. I told her she was going to fail. Obviously she got upset and tried to persuade me otherwise, but I refused to even listen to other options. Only problem.... she wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone. For the next several hours she was following/calling me begging for her (and not anyone else, mind you), to get a passing grade. After she annoyed me enough to want her to get the fuck away from me, I offered a retest. She had the balls to ask if she could just receive a C instead. I told her a harder test or an F and to tell the other 8 people of my decision.

Other teachers eventually find out about what happened. The same teachers who gave me virtually no support and help for the past 9 months and basically left me out to dry constantly. So they find out AND ASK WHY I DON’T JUST FAIL THEM!!! Seriously? I tried to fail 6 students the fall semester, including one student who showed up to one class (seriously, one. He showed up once in the 2nd week, skipped the midterm and took his final). I wasn’t allowed to fail any of them. I had to give out C- to all. But now suddenly when I want to fail kids there’s a hullabaloo. I was told I should not have given the retest, which made no sense. If I got in trouble for failing people the semester before, why wouldn’t I try and let people pass the 2nd semester? I legitimately had to change grades to get those first kids to pass. So I gave the 2nd test, everyone got a C- so they could pass because I stopped caring after I caught them. regardless, finding the writing on the desk was the greatest sleuthing moment of my life. They were idiots for cheating in ink. I had to laugh when I saw their shit. I mean, write in pencil or white out your answers! I would have been a much better cheater than them....

P.S. ... YES I TOOK FUCKING PICTURES!!! What, you think I'm gonna let some rat bastard cheaters dick me over and make me look like a jackass because I have no proof? I'm not Mark Furman, I'm Perry Fucking Mason getting iron clad proof.

Travel Day in the U.S.A.

Three blog posts in a month! Holy crap! Anyway, this is going to be a long one. It’s about my travel day yesterday, which genuinely sucked. Hopefully you can find humor in my misery.

This post is going to be full of hate. I’m full of the piss and vinegar today. Surprisingly (considering my last post), it’s somewhat of a defense of airline employees and I guess service industry people in general, as opposed to the worthless sacks of shit who demand that the world bows at their feet just because they bought a fucking plane ticket. Let’s take a tour through my day yesterday:

1030: My flight is at 12:20 and I arrive at the airport. I go to the computer check in and get my stuff printed out. Unfortunately, I can’t get myself to the counter to check in my bags because a worthless fucking family has splayed themselves out across the strip provided to Continental, just waiting for one of the computer things. I used to think this was a problem exclusive in China, probably because I walk around there alot, but the past week has taught me different. Does anyone ever look out for other people when they walk anymore? Or possibly realize that by blocking a whole lane, they could be in someone’s way? I admit I can be careless, but I always try and give people passage if they’re walking near me and need space. Anyway, I get to the counter and am told that I do not have a seat on the plane. Now, this makes no sense. I bought a seat. I had been assigned a seat. Let me repeat that again, I was told I had no seat EVEN THOUGH I HAD BEEN FUCKING ASSIGNED A SEAT. Airlines wonder about their customer relations problems, this may be the reason why. No one was able to explain to me why I didn’t have a seat. The ma behind the counter was polite enough about it, apologized and told me what to do to get on the plane.

12:00 I’ve gone through security and am hungry. I cannot eat though because I need to go straight to my gate and get myself a seat. When I arrive, there is no one working behind the counter. I sit down on the floor within view of the counter to finish writing a paper. The lady comes over eventually and is inundated with people. She looks beaten down from the world. Not in an angry ‘fuck you’ type of way, just that she’s overwhelmed. On the flight, which is overbooked, she makes several announcements trying to get people to delay their travel plans for a flight later and a $300 travel voucher. The problem is that there are no more flights to Houston that day and everything is full regardless, so people would need to wait a day. This seems like poor planning by the airline. Overbooking people with legitimately nothing they could do about it. There was a a later flight from an airport an hour away to Houston. One lady volunteered to wait until the next day. One man VERY RELUCTANTLY offered to take the later flight. He said he had a graduation to attend and needed to be in Houston. No one else would take up the offer. Those two were told to stick around in case people didn’t show up. I heard them shut down the counter in the lobby of the airport to prevent stragglers from showing up, and taking seats. I’d been standing at the counter for probably 10 minutes now. The lady behind the counter didn’t really say much to me, since there was nothing she could say, so I just watched her work.

12:20 The boarding begins. People are idiots. I mean, I guess that’s usually the point of most of my posts, but is there something about airports that makes people act like even bigger sacks of shit than normal? The problems began when the lady behind the counter started asking people to put their carry on bags into the little bin to see if they would fit. Doesn’t seem like a big deal, does it? If it fits, you’ve been delayed 5 seconds from walking down a hallway to wait in a line to get on a plane. If it doesn’t fit, you’re breaking the rules and fucking other people’s shit up because you’re taking up extra space that’s not yours. Stop being a selfish asshole and put the fucking bag in the bin without complaint. Of course, this is imfuckingpossible for most people to comprehend. First guy gets pissed and says why does he have to when no one else does (maybe because you had the first big bag shithead?)? The pattern repeats itself with hilarious/horrifying/sad regularity. With the reactions of these people, you’d think they’d just been subjected to shit porn. One lady tried to claim her bag always fits, so she doesn’t need to put it in. They told her if it always fits, then there’s no problem. It didn’t fit. She wouldn’t accept this. She managed to take enough out of her bag so it fit... but then she was required to keep that on her lap the whole flight. Right after her, same thing. Stupid lady who won’t put it in. Except she went further. She tried to ignore the employees asking her to put her bag in the big. They had to bring her back out to the gate. She argues for a minute. (What’s the point of arguing here? I guess this is the essence of my post, even though I’m probably only halfway done now. I guess people bitch/argue/yell to make themselves feel better, but at the point of demeaning someone else who’s just doing their job? I mean, if you hate a policy or something a company does... bitch at the people who make the policies, not the worker ants who carry it out. You just come across as an asshole that way). So this lady thinks everyone is distracted, she picks up her bag PRETENDS TO PUT IN THE BIN THEN WALKS AWAY. I mean.... she just fucking pretended. WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT? This woman looked at least 50.. and she was acting like a petulant four year old. I saw this, and almost told the employee mainly for the humor this would have caused. Yelling and hopefully even some kicking and biting. I’ve never seen the TSA police in action. This would have been my big chance. Anyway, luckily one of them employees saw her and made her come back. She’s screaming about how ridiculous this is and they’re trying to calmly explain that this past five minutes could have been avoided... if you just put your luggage in the bin. She makes a big show about how it always fits and this is stupid, blah, blah, blah. At this point, do I even need to mention it was too big? I started openly laughing at this point. I wish I’d had some popcorn. So she takes a jacket out of her bag so it fits and has to keep it on her lap the whole time.

12:35 We have one empty seat on the plane. It’s the woman who offered to fly the next day. The man with the graduation wants the seat, but I’m told it’s mine. 20F. Not an aisle, but at this point, I’m happy not to be delayed a day. I get on the plane... someone is in my seat. I asked one of the flight attendants if I should be in 20F, he doesn’t know and needs to go check. So I am standing in the aisle of this plane with my backpack on. We’re already 15 minutes late. I have hit some poor man twice in the face with bag. And everyone is sitting down and staring at this jackass in the aisle. Man comes back and I am in 20F, the problem caused by.... someone who has 30E sitting in 20E. Practically the same thing! Moron. There’s a guy already sitting in the window who has 20E, he asks if he can keep the seat. This is an emergency row so I already have extra leg room... and I’m just happy to be on the flight. I’m happy.

4:00~? After I have a drink, I read a bit then decide I want to nap, since I haven’t slept in 20 or so hours. I start nodding off, then am jolted awake. The guy next to me is watching BBC America and it is apparently the funniest fucking show in the history of mankind. He was laughing so loud and making no attempt to stifle it. My ear drums were on the verge of bleeding. (I guess this also ties into people not being aware of their surroundings. I mean, did he not realize how loud he was being. The people in front of him kept turning around and trying to figure out what was so funny. When I’m in a quiet or confined space, I try and suppress my laugh. Sure, I look like I’m having a seizure but at least I’m trying to be considerate.) SO every five minutes I’d get jarred awake by laughter. Sleep was non-existent.

5:15: We’re de-planing and as I just about get off the plane, I realize my passport fell out of my pocket and I had to go back to get it. Moving against traffic like this is nearly impossible, so I had to wait it out in first class. At first I was going to try and go up row by row i nthe small gaps, but I’m entirely too lazy for that. Instead I waited for an elderly lady to get up, who needed the stewardesses help, so I could run abck and get it, then run off the plane.

5:45 I hate Houston’s airport. It’s so freaking huge and whenever I connect there, I’m ALWAYS on the opposite side. The hallways are too narrow, made even worse because they’re always driving carts through there, so you need to keep your head on a swivel at all times unless you want to get clipped. Like everywhere else, no one will move out of your way so I almost got hit twice. That’s fun.

6:20 I reach my gate. It’s advertising a flight to San Jose Costa Rica. At first I thought I was told the wrong gate, so I had go look at the monitors. When I reach the counter, another stressed airline employee is trying to find people’s bags and looking for a connecting flight. At least the people here were not bitching at her. All parties seemed pleasant.

6:30 I have been told to return to get my seat assignment (once again I bought a ticket. Got a seat assignment online, then it disappeared into the ether. Fucking airlines.). I went to Wendy’s to eat for the first time of the day. There are people at both registers. On one register, two airport employees are flirting with an unattractive Wendy’s employee. At the other register, the person in front of me is moving slower than an 85 y/o recovering from a double hip transplant. After standing there for three minutes, the manager sees what’s going on and takes my order from the kitchen then yells at one of the employees to take my money. I liked her snappy, efficient style.

7:55 I’m boarding the plane now. The overhead bins are full. A man who sounded like he was from New Jersey wanted to put his bag in the first class bin, but he did not have a first class ticket. This is against the rules. Instead of accepting this, he decides to put up a fight. Because the bin over his seat is full, he should be able to put his bag in first class. Once again, what the fuck is the point of fighting over a policy? You can’t win. YOU. CAN’T. WIN. Bitch to the airline after you get off the flight, but the stewardess? She’s just doing her job. Yes, some can be absolute bitches and abuse their power, but at least yesterday, none seemed to snap considering all the shit they were getting. He put his bag in a coach bin. Arrogant asshole.

11:15 We have landed in Florida. I’m at the baggage conveyor belt. I have one bag, but not the other. Someone asks me if I have looked at all the bags on the belt, for some reason believing I had only scanned the small area in front of me. The belt starts. It stops. The belt starts. It stops. The belt starts. It stops. This happened probably seven or eight times in fifteen minutes. My bag is still not on the belt. I ask an employee where to go to report a lost bag. He asks me if I’ve looked at the whole belt. Being as polite as I can considering the circumstances, I tell him yes, now tell me where to go.

11:35 The lady behind the counter in the lost baggage room probably has one of the shittiest job at an airline. Her whole existence centers around apologizing for the airline fucking up and praying the irate customer doesn’t throw a punch at her. I hope she gets paid well, because I would snap at that job. As I walk in, she looks up and just lets out a sigh. I legitimately felt bad for her at this point. Luckily, the piss and vinegar that’s in me today was non-existent last night. I’m as nice as possible as I report my bag missing. While I’m at the counter, an older man and his wife walk in. He’s already swearing about the airline losing his luggage. The lady tells me my bag is probably still in Houston since I connected there. I get a claim number and am told hopefully the bag will arrive tomorrow.

This afternoon I called the airline to find out where my bag was. After being put on hold for five minutes, I finally get someone who can locate my bag. He seemed genuinely shocked I didn’t call him a fucking asshole and scream at him. My bag was on it’s way and actually just arrived as I type this sentence.

If you’ve made it this far kudos, you have no life! Anyway, the whole point of this: try not to be a prick to service employees. They’re people too and no one likes being yelled at for shit out of their control. Also, it makes you look like a jackass then people write snarky blog posts about how much of an asshole you are. I also failed to mention I’ve been sick since yesterday. I would be lying if I said part of me didn’t hope that I infected several of the people mentioned in this post. Good riddance to those assholes.

I Hate You China Airlines

In companion with my earlier post, this is the story of my last return trip from Asia. I was flying back to America and was routed through Taipei, so my airline was China Airlines, the official airline of Taiwan (I think). If you have the opportunity, I strongly urge you TO NEVER FLY ON THEIR FUCKING PLANES. Holy crap they are terrible. They even top China Eastern in shittiness. I can honestly say, given the choice between China Airlines and paying more for a similar flight or choosing a less direct route... I will now always choose the non China Airlines option. Here's a little rundown of their crappiness:

1) Seat Selection

When flying, especially over an ocean, I always choose an aisle seat. While the window provides better comfort for sleeping, I have the bladder of an 85 y/o woman and need direct access to the bathroom to expel the mountainous volume of soda I consume daily. Now, I booked this flight 4 months in advance, so you'd think they could have honored my request. Nope. I got stuck in the window seat. This is made double terrible since most people try and sleep on these flights, so I either have to be an asshole and wake them up constantly or strategically go to the bathroom when I see them stirring and hold it in otherwise. Not fun. Much worse than waiting in line for the bathroom at a bar. On this particular flight... both people in my aisle were sleeping. I got up once. Ugh.

2) Space

Now I realize flying in coach generally does not provide much room. This is one of the few times I'm delighted to be shorter than Danny Woodhead. I can usually carve out enough space to be comfortable with someone reclining in front of me, even with my claustrophobia. On this flight, the seat in front of me reclined so much that it was pretty much directly in my face. Combined with being in the window seat, I had the shakes for most of the flight and there was nothing I could do about it. I realize coach is the cheapest option, but I'm not a fucking cow (regardless of my post directly below this about my potato chip dream). I need SOME space to breathe.

3) No Music

This is half my fault, half the airline's fault. First, my culpability: I'm an idiot and dropped my iPod as the flight was taking off. I was taking it out of my pocket by the headphones cord, as per usual, when the cord got disconnected and it fell beneath my seat. Yes, I know I'm an idiot. HOWEVER, due to the lack of space (see #2), I had no ability to reach it. I could not scrunch up enough to search beneath/beside my seat (and this coming from a person who once fit into a dryer on dare... at the age of 18). When I finally got some space, I couldn't get it... because it wasn't beneath my seat. So I turned around to ask the person behind me if it was there.... BUT SHE WAS SLEEPING. argh. So it took another hour before she woke up and I could ask her... but she had no clue what I was saying, it took about 5 minutes of me explaining what I wanted her to do before she realized the mp3 player at her seat was not, in fact, delivered by the airplane fairy and was dropped by me. How did it even fall that far? Fucking mysteries of life...

4) No Personal TV

China Eastern did this too, but it bears repeating, if you are penning people up for more than 10 hours... it's kinda nice to give them personal tvs. This shouldn't be some luxury only afforded to those in Business and First Class. Every airline I have ever flown internationally has had these except for the Chinese ones. Is it really that much to ask to let me occupy myself instead of twiddling my thumbs if I don't feel like sleeping?

5) The Lighting

While I am by no means a grizzled veteran of transpacific flights, I have flown enough to know general procedure. Usually after you enter the plane, they start attempting to acclimate you to the time zone of wherever you are going. This flight took off at 1130pm Taipei time, which means it was somewhere around noon on the west coast. China Airlines decided to keep everyone on Taipei time... for the whole flight... which landed at 9pm on the west coast, thereby fucking up everyone's internal clock. This meant... no lights, no movies, and the meals they served were out of whack. I ate "breakfast" at 3pm. Idiots.

6) No Movies

Related to the above two points, for 7 of the 11 hours of flying time, there were no movies. This was apparently nap time. Have I mentioned yet how writing this is making me angry again? You should hear how hard I'm pounding these keys, it's a fucking frenzy.

7) No Headphones

Ok, the movies finally started awesome. I now have something to keep me occupied from my lack of personal space and crippling inability to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, I can't use my headphones, because they have that stupid two pronged jack that most airlines got rid of 10 years ago. This wouldn't be so bad, if only they had provided us with headphones that fit (see, I wanted to make that all caps, but didn't. Don't you like my restraint?). I dinged the stewardess to ask for some listening implement, but they didn't have any. She asked me to check the pouch in front of me. Nothing was there, so there was nothing she could do. The only thing worse than watching shitty movies is not being able to listen to said shitty movies. ugh. Luckily, with the girl next to me sleeping, I stole hers about 25 minutes into the first movie. She was sleeping, so whatever.

8) Movie Selection

All airlines choose shitty movies, but these may have taken the cake: Just Wright and Shrek 4. Nothing quite like the worst Shrek and a formulaic romantic comedy starring Queen Latifah. This movie was legitimately painful to watch. I strongly suggest watching it if you have no will to live and just need a little push to end things (do I need a disclaimer here that I don't advocate killing yourself? If so, here it is. Don't kill yourself. Instead, follow these three steps: 1)write a crappy movie script, 2) sell it to some Hollywood studio, 3) profit. As easy as 1-2-3!).

9) Turn Up the Intercom

When the pilots speak, usually it isn't terribly important. Warning about some turbulence, giving some general information about the flight, etc. However, I like hearing things. If someone is in control of my life for the next 10~ hours, I usually like to give them full attention when they want to tell me things. The intercom on this flight was set too low and was completely muffled. The pilot could have been offering $1 million to the first person to stab themselves in the eye, and I missed out because I couldn't hear him.

10) They Are Idiots

So Shrek 4 has just ended. All the lights are on. We have been served breakfast. There are still about 2 hours left in the flight. You'd think it would make sense to show another movie, even if we couldn't finish it, just because people are supposed to be "awake" and would like to be entertained. They decide the entertainment is over for the flight and turn off the entertainment system. I was in all out stabby mode at this point. I really have nothing to add here, I just wanted to kill someone. This is probably why they only give plastic silverware in coach.

So that is the story of my miserable flight. I'm gonna go punch a wall now because repressed feelings have been dug up, and they're too strong to ignore.

Greatest Dream Ever

So this post is kinda cheating, since it will be short. However, I will be posting another story in an hour or so that will provide more sustenance. Anyway, I have been known to enjoy food (stop laughing now... please?). Anyone who knows me will attest to that. It is not foreign for me to order two entrees at a restaurant because I can't decide what I want to eat. I have also been known to study menus in preparation of eating at a restaurant. One of my favorite delicacies is the fried potato. Be it fries or chips (the American version, not what the Brits call "chips"), I will devour them at an unhealthy pace. Red Robin provides free refills on baskets of fries when your order a burger? It's quite possibly my new favorite restaurant (and I don't even like burgers that much). Eat a whole bag of chips in one sitting? Of course, why would I want to exercise self restraint by stopping at half the bag? That's for idiots.

Anyway, in China, there is a severe chip shortage. Yes, there are chips everywhere and in flavors not found in America. However, they're TERRIBLE! Most taste sweet, they generally have no salt and the flavors are just weird (who the fuck wants to eat tomato chips?). Basically my whole time in China, I didn't get to eat any chips. I was quite deprived, in case you can't tell. When I can't/don't eat food I like for a long time, I get cravings, not unlike those of a pregnant woman (I seriously hope this happens to other people...). In May, after about 9 months in China, I was in Beijing visiting a friend. We did the usual bar thing, then I fell asleep on his couch that night. In my sleep, I had a dream. I rarely dream. Even more importantly, I REMEMBERED the dream, usually I only have a snippet or two, never the full thing. And let me tell you, it was the most glorious dream EVER. I was in room. And there were chips everywhere. Regular, lightly salted, ruffles, BBQ, kettle cooked, regular. And I ate. O, did I eat. The dream was legitimately just me sitting in this room, grabbing bags of chips and gorging myself. That morning, I woke up with a smile on my face. It may have been the happiest dream I have ever had...