Buddhist Monk

Ok, this one's going to be fairly short and probably unfunny, but it's somewhat topical so I thought I'd include this anecdote. For anyone who has seen me recently, I have trimmed (nee, shaved) my beastly hair and, for the first time since November, I'm also clean shaven. I look like a normal person, which is not normal for me. This is not the first time I've done this, as last year in China (see, these posts always go somewhere after a crappy introduction) I pulled the same routine, though I was paid to do so last time (damn Chinese electric razors don't work in America). So, I shaved my head in April last year, about a week or so before Spring Break. Now, my Spring Break trip found me, with four other compatriots, in central China, namely Zhengzhou, Chongqing, Kaifeng, the Yangtze River, and several other places. This post is not the Officialy Spring Break Post, however. That'd take too long and we all know I have no attention span when the sun is shining its death rays upon us all. So after the cruise down the Yangtze, we decided to visit the Shaolin Temple because that seemed like a badass thing to do (and there aren't exactly a plethora of tourism options in central China. You kinda just choose the temple/historic city X and just go). We toured the grounds of the temple and saw some sweet gong fu and pagodas and even chatted with a lady from America who said she was sending her four year old son there to study, even though he didn't speak a lick of Chinese (tuition is actually pretty cheap there, if some parents are looking for cheap alternatives to the American public school system and want their child to be proficient in lethal hand to hand combat). After seeing all there was to see, we decided to climb Song Shan (Mt. Shan) one of the five holy Taoist mountains in China. Disregarding the advice of everyone whom we told our plan to (at this point, we were distrustful of all Chinese, thinking they were all out to screw us over instead of, you know, providing helpful advice), we decided to make the hike up the mountain instead of taking the cable car. Luckily most of this hike was under the cover of trees because it was at least 90 degrees that day and we were carrying our backpacks with a week's worth of clothes/supplies in them. While walking up the mountain, we saw groups of Red Army soldiers in training running up and down the mountain, which was pretty cool. We finally made it to the top of the mountain and sat down to relax/take some sweet pics since the view was amazing. Now, before I continue, I should mention that the Shaolin Temple is a Buddhist monastery and, coincidentally, there are alot of Buddhist monks of the grounds and it is a popular destination for Buddhist pilgrims. With my freshly shaven head/face, I apparently resembled one of these Buddhist monks/pilgrims even though I had clearly climbed with a group of white non-Buddhist peoples. This case of mistaken identity led to several people clamoring for pictures with me because I was a "Buddhist." One person even went so far as to force me to wear his blessed beads with him in a photo for "good luck" or something like that. Regardless, the episode was somewhat embarrassing because no one would listen to me when I protested that I wasn't Buddhist. Therefore, I got to be a pretend Buddhist for a solid 15-20 minutes, which gives me an air of superiority wheneven Buddhism comes up in class discussions. I'll finish this story at some point with details of the whole trip, including the harrowing conclusion of us climbing down (and up...and down..... and up.... and down) Song Shan before making our way to Zhengzhou.

UPS Blog Post (i.e. Pictures of My Clit)

In continuing the series of guest blog posts but such esteemed luminaries like.... uh.... Brusty, he has returned once again to lend us a tale from his time as a UPS delivery boy from the previous December. What follows is in his words, completey unedited (so it'll probably be littered with misspellings and be somewhat nonsensical, just the way I like it). Also, before I post his... uh... post, I want to address his claim that this blog is more barren than the women he caroled to at the nursing home in Worcester. While I can't speak to the barreness (or lack thereof) of said women, this is the 3rd post on this blog in the past 12 or so hours, a new record. Also, thanks to this sudden outburst of productiveness, February is on pace for the most posts in a single month since I started this blog. So take that! BAM! Here's Alex:


I took a look at Andrew’s blog the other day and thought it looked a little bleak… more barren even than the women I caroled to at the nursing home. Now since it is indeed the season for pleasing I thought I would give Andrew a little holiday spirit of my own and write a quick little blog entry for him. Today’s topic will be in keeping with every other article Andrew has ever posted, and thus this will be a sarcastic and biting article with overtones of complaints. To get right to it, I will be posting about my adventures as a UPS delivery boy!

I’m assuming many of you knew I was working as a UPS delivery boy, but for the sake of all the other readers of this blog who aren’t friends with me I will tell you that I am working part time delivering packages for UPS. As you can imagine, there are many adventures that can come about from trekking across neighborhoods and of course trespassing. In addition, seeing as it is a job, there are many complaints that will come with the job. Below is a list of stories/complaints/comments on what has occurred thus far on the job:

1.) The town of Wellesley is full of douchebags (with apologies to my friends who live there). I live in Newton and Wellesley is supposed to be our loving sister city and we are supposed to be friends, but in reality I don’t think we like each other very much. This may have something to do with them being jealous of my town being the 8th safest city in America... anyways, I never really cared enough about hating on Wellesley until I began delivering packages for them. The people in the town just love to complain! It’s like they are on a huge power trip and don’t care about the fact that we’re trying to do our job because as long as it is interrupting their routine they are going to yell at us. We got into several arguments with these women with sand in their vag who kept giving us shit because we were blocking traffic and forcing them to drive their cars on the snow banks. I guess it’s funny watching my driver screaming at middle aged women to get over themselves, but it did get annoying.
2.) Complaint #2 is that over half of the houses I’ve delivered to don’t have address numbers on their houses. Now this is fine for the people who work full time at UPS because they obviously will learn their way around the neighborhood, but for someone like me working part time, this is a big issue. Its dark at 4:30 and everyone’s house is dark- how am I supposed to find anything? I probably left some package at the wrong address but my driver said it was fine, because it isn’t Dorchester so no one is gonna steal it. Zing!
3.) Is it really that hard to put some sand or salt on the driveway? Honestly, the driveways were so slippery and iced over I’m surprised I didn’t break my back. I did break a few packages which I used to help break my fall, but I really don’t care. If they had fixed the driveway, that never would have happened.
4.) I just wanted to complain about a Dr. Pierce who lives somewhere in Wellesley and doesn’t salt his driveway. That’s the only driveway I’ve fallen in, and I was quite angry about it (aka throwing his package against his door angrily). He probably gets his customers by having people break their legs on ice. Don’t give Dr. Pierce any service!
5.) I was almost shot on the job, and by shot I mean I was threatened by a milky ass 16-year-old punk. The car in front of their house was blocking traffic, so my driver got out and asked the kid if he could move it. He said no, because he wasn’t old enough to drive. So the driver then asked if he could have his mom move the car. The kid said she was on the phone and couldn’t come out until later. We dropped off the packages we could to give the kid’s mom a chance to move the car, but when we came back and saw it hadn’t been moved my driver flipped out and started yelling at the kid to get off his ass and move the car. The kid’s mom runs out and they all start swearing at each other. The kid kept yelling that he was going to punch the driver in the face, and then he said he was going to call some friends up and have the driver shot. I asked him, “how do you know someone that can kill us if you can’t drive a car?” which he didn’t reply to. At that point his mom had move the car so we drove off, but not before my driver shouted “douchebag” once more!
6.) My UPS jacket doesn’t have pockets, which warrants a complaint.
7.) I got really excited when I realized that I had a delivery to Greg Hughes’ house and gave him a call, but he didn’t answer! Luckily his mom did and we had a lovely little chat.
8.) My driver is a horn-dog and literally every girl we drove by that was between 16-50 got a whistle and an explanation on how he would do her. This led to an embarrassing situation when a girl with very tight pants on walked by. He started whistling and saying things like, “damn, check out the ass on that broad,” at which point she stopped and stared at out truck. The window was open. A more embarrassing story was when the same thing essentially happened, except after he had told the girl she was hot from our passing car we realized we had forgotten to deliver the package to her. That meant us awkwardly backing the truck up and hand delivering the package.

OK well that’s good enough for now. Hopefully you enjoyed that, and if you didn’t, you can blame Andrew because it’s his blog.

Love,
Alex

Links

So I may as well address a little change I just put into the blog. On the left under the "Different Stuff to Check Out" heading I put some sites that people should be visiting on a regular basis (they also, coincidentally update more than my average of 1.3 times a month). Anyways, Columbian Cokane is a good read if you want to find something that cuts through most media bullshit and gives an accurate depiction of events. Kissing Suzy Kolber is a football blog that is a) absolutely hilarious 2) completely innappropriate for anyone who is oeasily offended (though if you're here, you already passed that test). Deadspin is probably the best sports blog on the internets where I officially learned of the term 'making it rain,' thereby ensuring a dear place in my heart that can never be replaced. If you think I'm missing something, let me know and I could quite possibly maybe put in a new link (though since I've now posted twice in the past two hours, it's probably safe to expect I won't be writing anytime soon because that's just how i operate, though with midterms next week, you never know).

Scam

OK so it's currently 3:30 in the morning which is usually prime homework time for me, however while translating a delightful Chinese story on rickshaws and the colorful characters who drive (pull?) them, I was reminded of a quick story I'd like to share with you all (I'm kinda curious if I'll manage to actually keep this brief or if this will turn into another rambling diatribe. Here we go!). So while abroad, I had several visitors who came to experience the culture because it's awesome. One of those was an ex-gf of mine (I'm loathe to use names unless necessary, nothing personal against her, we're still friends, I just feel like it gets too personal if I name drop here). Now, being a female, she obviously had several large bags with not only the usual feminine things they travel with, but also the loads of shit she bought because she was in China and everything is wicked cheap there (yay free market communism!). After riding the cab to the airport, a man quickly rushed up to the cab, opened up the door and offered to take her bags inside. I figured this man was not offering his services out of altruism, but his cart saved me the effort of lugging the bags (and we all know I'm not exactly one to spend hours benching in the weightroom) so I figured what's a few kuai amongst friends and didn't bother to ask him the cost? Now, I went to the airport multiple times. Twice back in 2003 during my first beijing trip, then at least another 5-6 times in my last trip, between picking people up and traveling myself. The point being, I know the airport. We follow this man and get in an elevator (should've been the first sign, I knew we didn't need an elevator, it's a straight walk from the cab drop off area to the waiting pen). We go down several floors. I, in my infinite wisdom, think he's taking us some back way to avoid the lines. Real smart. So then we walk through a parking garage that I didn't even know existed until we reach another elevator. He hits the button then tells us to go up two flights and we'll be in the airport. I immediately realize this guy took us on a roundabout route for no apparent reason and I was going to have to carry the bags at least part of the way after all. I was not pleased. I took out 30 kuai (around $4US), which I figured was a generous tip considering he took us nowhere convenient. He counted the money then told me I still owed him. I didn't understand what he was saying at first (common theme on the trip) so I kindly asked him to repeat himself. He told me I actually owed him 100 kuai (about $8-9US). I laughed and told him no. He then told me I had to pay him the 100 because that's the rate and he claimed he's already told me this. He hadn't. So I laughed again (note to self: probably not a great idea to have a condescending attitude to a man trying to rip you off in a secluded portion of a foreign airport) and told him I wasn't giving him anymore. He then gave the standard speech about how I was American and could afford the extra money (whenever a Chinese person wants [more] money from you, you will hear that because you're American you can afford it, not quite realizing not everyone here is Bill Gates) and handed me some sort of receipt that said 100 kuai on it, which clearly had nothing to do with his services. I told him no and if he really thought the standard rate was 100 kuai, I was more than happy to call a police officer and if the cop told me I owed him the money, I'd pay. He told me not to call and that I needed to pay. He clearly didn't like the idea of me calling the cops so I decided to keep pushing that issue, even pulling out my cell phone (though I had absolutely no clue what the number for the police was). Finally he realized I wasn't a dumb foreigner and a) knew Chinese and b) wouldn't pay unless the law told me to, he counted the 30 again, sighed, and walked away defeated. Score one for the good guys!

Jewelry

Ok it has been incredibly too long since I've posted something, so I'm going to get things back on track with a nice long China post. Anyways, I have an eyebrow ring as you all know. I've been wearing the hoop with the ball (I swear this is going to get interesting in a second) which usually stays in its little hole, and causes me no problems. However, last year, before I went to China I was still wearing the semi circle with the little screw on spikes which always seems to fall off at the most inopportune times. So before I left, I put a new package of facial jewelry on my list of things to buy because I figured over the course of six months, I was bound to need a replacement. I went to the mall multiple times, for whatever reason (my own stupidity) I refused to buy them, even though I knew I was going to need them. So flash forward to late January. I'm in China, with only one ring. Sometime (most likely in my sleep) one of the little spikes falls out. Normally I'd just replace the spike, but with no new rings, that's not possible. I decide it's doable to maintain this one ring for the next few months as long as I manage it well and make sure it doesn't fall out. Two days later, I'm in the shower (which I guess is a story for another day, but the 4th floor showers were on a slant and the drain sucked, so even wearing flip flops, your feet got wet in soapy China water. I've also yet to mention the cage at the top of the stairs, yet I digress...) and, of course, the gushing flow of lukewarm water made the ring fall out and go down the drain. So now I realize I'm kinda fucked. I have about 18 or so hours after it falls out to put in a new one, otherwise the hole starts to close up. In America, I'd hop on over to the mall and buy a new set. In China.... not so much. Of course I wait a day or two to do anything because at that point, going out on my own was scary and I could barely communicate with the locals. Eventually (we'll call it a Thursday for the purposes of the story) I decide to venture out into the great unknown and see if I could find me some facial jewelry. I take my trusty dictionary with me (because at this point my Chinese wasn't quite passable) and go to the giant counterfeit clothing market at the end of the street. I wander around, lost and lonely for the next hour. Having no clue where anything is (because even if a sign says '3rd Floor Men's Fashion,' said floor is littered with many things on top of men's fashion, and men's fashion could, in actuality, be found on any floor) I just keep walking. I think I want a women's section, but I wasn't even sure. Of course I found nothing there because they don't sell body jewelry at local Chinese clothing markets. I decide next to walk to Ito Yokkado, which is a Japanese Walmart-ish type store that sells pretty much anything and is nice to walk into (unlike Carrefore, which is a French Walmart-ish type store that smells and has raw chickens strewn about--- not a pleasant site if you're not interested in acquiring the bird flu virus). I should note here that McDonald's is also next to Ito Yokkado and there's actually an entrance from the store to McDonald's so you don't have to walk outside. This is the type of information only this blog will give you. Anyway, at Ito Yokkado I go to the jewelry section and start looking around. I get to the place where earrings are located and stand there looking helpless until someone comes over to help me (a favorite strategy of mine in stores, especially when in women's sections. Some female employee always takes pity on me and comes right over, taking all of the difficulty out of the purchasing process). I try and explain I want some jewelry. However, once again, my Chinese sucked at this point. I had written some key words down on my hand (my favorite notepad) and decided to try them out. The words were 'round' and 'earring.' Of course, they had no clue what I was trying to say. I was reduced to pointing at the earrings then pointing at my face (specifically my eyebrow) which, predictably, got me nowhere. Apparently not alot of people in China have facial piercings. At this point, my strategy has backfired and I've attracted a crowd of female employees because I'm clearly making a spectacle of myself at this point (which happened whenever I tried to make a purchase in a store. Buying a cell phone with Alex drew over 5 employees. When I attempted to buy a camera while speaking Chinese, the shopkeep was so surprised he called over pretty much everyone who was working in the store at that point to hear me speak, then proceeded to tell me they sold out of that camera). Embarassed, but undeterred, I decide to stick with the pointing strategy, hoping it would eventually click with somebody. Eventually the word 'round' seems to sink in, so they pull out of a tray of rings which would've been fine but they were engagement rings, not eyebrow rings. So I start using my keywords and my pointing skills to try and say ear ring for my face, which also creates a new buzz. However, they thought I actually wanted ear rings, so they pulled out of a tray of them. Earrings could've worked, but they were all studs. I can't put a stud in my face. So the game continues for awhile, and they keep pulling out the stud earrings even though I'm pointing at them and saying 'round.' Eventually one of them understands what I want and brings out some hoop earrings. I told them 'good but smaller.' They understood me when I said that, and so I was eventually able to buy a pair of small, round earrings for about $15US. (note before I continue, I just want people to know I'm not blaming them for not understanding my pointing and crappy Chinese. It was my fault I couldn't clearly say what I wanted. I just wanted to depict the absurdity of the situation, I'm not racist). So I scurry back to the dorm and stand in front of my mirror, and begin to put in the jewelry. One problem: its been two days, and the hole has closed somewhat. I realize I'm basically repiercing my eyebrow, Luckily, these earring's were sharp so they cut through the skin quite nicely and produced alot of blood (because open wounds in China are always a good thing). I got the thing in and immediately emailed home for some real eyebrow rings to be included in my next car package. Luckily Mom and Dad obliged. The lesson here: never use a one armed man to try and scare people... uh, I mean, don't blatantly ignore your own internal warnings and refuse to buy something you'll need when you're abroad with no realistic means of obtaining it.