Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Transportation Woes

First off, I'm about to post for the second time in a week, which I think is officially the high water mark of this blog. Maybe I can start writing short, somewhat focused entries so I post more often, though the odds of that happening are very low. I'm going to continue the transportation theme so it allows for quicker posts for now since I still haven't written that paper I mentioned in the last post.
Anyways, drivers in China are fucking insane; getting into any type of motor transportation involves risking death (by the way, I just want to point out that semi-colon, I'm guessing in no other blog will you see semi-colons, this just affirms the quality of my posts, yet I digress again...). One specific time riding in a cab during rush hour (note: rush hour in Beijing during weekdays is from 8-8. If you want to get anywhere and plan on using street transportation, budget for extra time or you will be significantly late), the road was crowded, yet our cabby decided that every possible opening in the road presented a challenge/opportunity. In a 30 minute cab ride, I'm fairly certain we didn't stay in asingle lane for more than 30 seconds. And this wasn't smooth transition, directional signal lane changes. Instead they were swerve at full speed into the next lane in an attempt to hit every other car on the road. I'm fairly convinced driving in Beijing is just one giant game on chicken and they've decided not to tell foreigners just so we shit ourselves. At one point, we swerved across all four lanes on the road, normally dangerous on a clear highway, LET ALONE DURING RUSH HOUR. I almost had a heart attack. And that isn't even the closest I came to dying in China.
While crossing streets is a whole new post, I'll share one story about the insanity of drivers. One time Alex and I were walking to McDonald's (because at one point in China I was eating there at least 5x a week. Real healthy, I know), and were stopped at an intersection, at the corner, waiting for the light to turn so we could walk (after being in China, I'm now a pro at crossing streets. Nothing in America scares me anymore. I should have been hit by cars many times, even getting pulled off the street at several points because I wasn't paying attention. Lesson being, always look two ways). We weren't directly at the corner, but several feet back because there were two girls in front of us at the curb. Directly behind us was a giant clothing mall where you can bargain for cheap wares, and they got shipments several times a day or stolen/counterfeit goods. Anyway, a truck goes through the intersection, comes up to the corner where these two girls are standing and just holds down the horn and creeps up on them. And this wasn't just a beep. I mean he literally held down the fucking horn for 30 seconds until he got their attention, creeping up the whole time until he practically ran them over. Finally they realize, he wants to drive on the fucking sidewalk to get to the market. So the whole sidewalk has to clear the way so this douche can drive in a pedestrian area. When he drives by, no dui bu qi ("sorry") no acknowledgement or wave. Just speeds by like we're the assholes. So yea, be thankful that people don't drive on the sidewalks in America.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Procrastinating

OK so first off, I realize the baseball playoffs were supposed to spur to write once a week on here. You can see how well that turned out. Anyways, for posterity's sake, I was going to pick the Sox to beat the Rockies the in 5. Now I realize you may not believe me, but if I was going to cheat on the pick, why wouldn't I make it perfect? I thought the Rockies would pull one out in Denver, but they sucked that bad, o well...
Anyways, I may as well write another China post instead of writing an essay so I'm going to write about transportation in on the mainland. Now, there are many types of transportation in China. In my 6 months there, I rode in taxis, subways, trains, city buses, sleeper buses, a tugboatish thing (one of the scariest experiences of my life. We were in Shanghai crossing the Bund so we could go look at the other side of the city and we decided, instead of a second trip down the Psychadelic Tunnel [don't ask...] we would take a boat. Well, the only ferry boat was a rickety old tugboat that looked like it could barely cross the river. Of course we hopped right on. Anyway, aside from the unseaworthiness (is that even a word?) of the vessel, there was also the issue of all the crazy Chinese people on motorbikes also on the boat. We were a group of 7 [I think] and were walking so we boarded first and just walked to the other end of the boat since the passenger "deck" was just an empty area on the lowest level of the boat. So we were standing in front of the gate when suddenly a giant roar erupts behind us and it's the sound of about 200 high polluting motorbikes speeding onto the boat. Now, if you've read previous posts, you know Chinese people don't enjoy waiting in line. So you can imagine that chaos behind us as all the people had to speed onto the boat so they could be first in line to disembark. Some of the smarter people in our group scurried off the to side of the deck to escape the madness. It was the smart thing to do. Obviously, I stayed where I was. So after the loading process ends and we start crossing the river, those of us who didn't move realized we were in the middle of the deck, surrounded by motorbikes who obviously would not think twice about running over some idiot Americans who stood in their way of getting off the boat .5 seconds sooner. Essentially, we were fucked. So we reach the other side and no sooner is the platform set up then all the motorbikes start up at once and a shitstorm ensues. We legitimately didn't move for a solid minute because if we had, we would have been run over. To make matters worse, the retards behind us WHO SAW THAT WE WERE THERE THE WHOLE TIME were honking at us because we wouldn't get out of their way, even though there was nowhere to fucking go. So anyway, finally the anarchy died down and we were thoroughly laughed at by our smarter companions. The lesson: Chinese people are an impatient lot). I just realized this post was supposed to be about the perils of taxis, but I just went off on a wicked long tangent, so we'll call it a day here and I'll post again soon.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Regina Spektor is a Bitch

ok so as I have alluded to in my previous posts, Alex is now officially a contributing member to this blog. I don't think he's going to write frequently, but whenever he has a rant or random tangent he wants to write about, I'll put it up in return for some sort of favor, most likely of the sexual variety. Without further ado, here's Alex with "Regina Spektor is a Bitch":




This past weekend I was lucky enough to attend a Regina Spektor concert at Brandeis for only $5. Now now, I know what you’re all thinking, and no, I am not on the rag. But you know who probably was? Regina Spektor, because she was moody and a total bitch throughout the show. All the girls in attendance seemed to love her, but when observed by a non-biased viewer like me, it was clear this woman was as unpleasant as the mustache I’m currently growing (details later).
When you think of a concert, especially one held at a college, what atmosphere would you expect to find there? Lively, festive, drunken, and fun are all thoughts that came to my mind. I’ve been to a show at Brandeis before (Blackalicious, if you must know), and the show was just as you’d expect it to be- it was loud and fun. This Regina Spektor show was different. Right before the show began a groupie came on stage and welcomed everyone to the show. There were cheers from the crowd and people were obviously starting to get really into it… then the groupie dropped the bomb shell that spelled the beginning of the end for the night. “Hey ya’ll, tonight Regina only brought her piano which means that this is going to be a quiet show. That means no cheering or talking during the performance, ok? So let’s get it out of our systems right now and cheer!” Awkwardly everyone cheered, but we were quickly silenced and reminded that that was all the cheering to be done that night. Seriously?
The lights went out and everyone naturally started cheering for Regina. Almost immediately the three bouncers standing by the stage began waving their arms to quiet us down, and people hadn’t even been cheering for more than a minute. Lame, totally lame, and not a good first impression. Regina came on stage and did some weird hippy chanting that people seemed to like. I didn’t. Still there were some cheers from the audience, which quickly resulted in an angry glare by Regina. She then moved to her piano and began playing her music. I like lots of music and I’d heard good things about her from others, and too be perfectly honest her music wasn’t that bad (albeit a little repetitive). Still, her attitude completely ruined the show for me, and it just got progressively worse.
About two songs in people were back to cheering and talking quietly amongst themselves, realizing that her music was in fact audible as long as you weren’t obnoxiously loud. This apparently wasn’t appreciated by Ms. Spektor, because as soon as she began to play her third song she stopped abruptly, hit the keys on the piano and stated lecturing us to be quiet. “Now, maybe you didn’t hear the announcement made at the start of the show, but I only have a piano here which means the shows going to be quiet. That means, if you guys talk, no one can hear the music. You guys want to hear me play right? Good! Then shut up and listen!” Jesus, what a goop chute! This speech was followed by quiet applause by her groupies and hard-core fans who apparently have never been to concerts and don’t understand that standing in silence for over an hour isn’t that much fun.
Throughout the rest of the night any time anyone spoke there was an immediate “shh” from somewhere in the crowd. Even during another one of her songs Regina added a “shh” to get us to quiet down even more. Get over yourself lady, you’re on a college campus and half the kids there are intoxicated and want to enjoy themselves. This isn’t a piano recital, it’s a music concert, and you weren’t even good enough to deserve our utmost attention. This was evident about half way through the show, when she forgot the words not once, but twice during a song. Then, once she remembered the word, she promptly forgot how to play the musical accompaniment. “Fuck!” she happily yelled out loud, which was followed by laughter and more quiet support by the die-hards. Hm, apparently not only is it ok, but it’s funny to fuck up three times in row after making yourself out to be the second coming. I kept hearing girls whispering how nice and down to earth Regina was, but everything I saw from her screamed bitchy. First impressions say a lot, and the impression I got was Regina Spektor has sand in her vagina.

Friday, October 19, 2007

p.s. I'll put Alex's rant up tomorrow, I haven't read it yet but it promises to be good...

Bathroom Stories Part II...

ok so I believe I left off with the baby shitting on the street in Shanghai. After this rude introduction to baby bathroom manners in China (yea, I could delve into detail about the grossness of adults and public washrooms as well, but that's another story for another day...) So we're going to pick this story up during our Spring Break trip (that transition makes it seem like Beijing is more civilized with the baby clothing slits, which on further thought may be true, but I also only gave that 2 seconds of thought, so that may not be the case). Anyways, we just climbed a mountain next to the Shaolin Temple in 90+ degree heat with all of our clothes for the week (pretty badass, I know) and after getting a ride into the city (another story for another day as well...) we find a bus to take us to Zhengzhou, a trip that would be a little over an hour. Now this bus was not very big. Maybe enough seats for 30 people max. We hopped on while the bus was moving. It was pulling out, some Chinese guy gestured to us that this was the bus we wanted so we ran up to it and it stopped just enough so we could hop on. Unfortunately, there were not five seats near each other so Alex and I sat right behind the door, Tingting and Hua got a row together a few aisles back and poor Nate was in the back of the bus. I forget why, but for some reason I had to stay awake on this bus ride even though I was exhausted and sweaty and just wanted to sleep. Regardless, this was a sketch ass Chinese bus which meant that it, of course, stopped along the road to pick up migrant workers with big sacks of rice or something or other. The seats were all full but we kept making stops. At the end of the trip (or at least where we got off) there were probably a solid twenty more people on that bus then there should've been, but yet I digress... At one of the stops, a mother and her very young child board the bus and proceed to seat one aisle up across from me. I'm basically zoned out at this point, listening to my music, trying not to fall asleep and praying that I'm not about to die in a car wreck. So I'm staring at the floor when suddenly I see a trickle of water running across the aisle of the bus. At first, I think nothing of it, then I look up to see that the baby is currently urinating on the floor of the bus. Fucking fantastic. So I instinctively move my backpack away from the river of pee. Of course it's already wet. So I look up at the mother, looking for an apology or mea culpa or at some sort of recognition that her baby's urine just made contact with my bag and of course she was oblivious. At this point, I've moved my bag to a few feet away from the urine and my feet are safely on a railing to prevent my shoes touching the piss. Thankfully we were in a vehicle in China so almost immediately we make a sharp turn that sends the urine hurtling in a new direction, you guessed it, right at my bag. So I make a Herculean effort to lift it up juuuust before the urine makes contact again. However, now I have a problem. There is pee all over the place and nowhere for me bag to go. I had to hold my bag by the strap for the last twenty minutes of the bus ride. It couldn't go on the floor because there was pee. It couldn't go on my lap because there was pee. No, I had to hold it. If this wasn't bad enough, aside from the fact that the mom clearly didn't give a shit about what had just transpired, no one around me cared as well. This baby just peed in a common area and everyone acts as if nothing has happened! Sometimes that country seriously confounds me. Anyways, two days later we found ourselves in Kaifeng, quite possibly one of the most surreal experiences of my life (another story for another day, actually this is all my Spring Break Story, maybe I should start posting installments on that soon....). We were probably the only foreigners in the city. And where did we go when we were tired and sweaty and waiting for the bus to take us back to Zhengzhou? None other than KFCizzle. I of course got a meal because I am a fatass. Everyone else just sat there or got some iced cream. While we are sitting there, marinating, if you will, a woman enters the establishment with her child, once again, slit is apparent (one thing I've yet to mention about the slits, you can see EVERYTHING and i mean EVERYTHING. Not that I'm looking or anything, but it's somewhat unnerving when you're walking around and suddenly see a little kid's balls hanging out of his pants. If you're a pedophile go to China, you'll love it. Seriously). For some reason the mom thinks it's a great idea to put the baby on the table. In America, nothing wrong with that. In China, that means his ass is on the table with no buffer in between. Fucking disgusting. Luckily I enjoy my fried chicken, otherwise I would've puked. The lesson here: never EVER eat off a table in China, you never know if a baby's ass has made contact with where your food now sits...

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

So I'm Slow...

ok so I know I promised a blog post up before the LCS started. Well, that obviously didn't happen. Luckily, I'm an honest guy so I'll put up my original predictions, which were going to be d-backs in 6 (yea, that turned out really well) and sox in 7. i have no analysis right now, just that watching dice-k pitch last night was utterly exhausting. By the end of the game I felt like I'd thrown 100 pitches. Plus the fact that the Sox should've had about 6 runs at the end of the 2nd inning. argh. i wanted to stab my eyes out. Anyways, quick China story then Alex is going to put up a guest post.

So in China, rules of decorum are somewhat different than America. Case in point: lines are a foreign concept. They actually have standing in line Wednesdays where people have to actually practice standing in line in anticipation of the olympics because, you know, people in China don't stand in line. Also, cars don't stop for pedestrians. Crossing the street is a risky proposition. But those are not the purpose of this story, right now I'm talking about little children, xiao haizi, if you will. Now, in America, babies wear diapers so when they have to do their business, they don't get their clothes dirty and just kinda shit on the street. In China, babies do not wear diapers. They do not wear underwear. They have slits that expose their asses. When they have to shit or pee, they just go. The first time we experienced this was Shanghai. Walking down the street, minding our own business, we look at a baby squatting on the sidewalk. At first it looked innocuous. At second glance, it looked like hot mustard was coming out of the baby's ass. At third glance, it became apparent the baby was shitting on the sidewalk in plain view of everyone and no one seemed to give a shit. Third glance was right. This occured periodically throughout our trip in China. Unfortunately, I'm tired now, so I'm going to stop. HOWEVER, there IS a part II which gets juicier (literally and figuratively) and I'll put up Alex's post.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Baseball and Such

ok so i promised a post awhile ago, and of course i didnt do it. i could run down the reasons why, but they're all well-known to everyone at this point so i'll just get down to business.

so baseball playoffs started today and i'm going to try and use those as an impetus to post on a regular basis with crappy predictions that are 100% biased and will be proven false. i realize the playoffs started 7 hours ago, but whatever, i'm picking now anyways.

rockies-phillies: being honest, i don't really care about the national league, you can lump dbacks-cubs in here as well. i wanted the brewers and braves to make the playoffs but they didn't and im bitter. i guess the rockies are cool, they won a bunch at the end, but seriously, meh. i went to coors field once and i ate a bison hot dog there. it was awesome. i also enjoy drinking coors light. therefore i'm picking the rockies. that may be the dumbest set of reasons to pick a team, but i don't really care. they'll win in 4. as for the other nl series: we'll go cubs in 5. i'd rather the dbacks win but the cubs just seem better, even though they did their best to piss away the central division. these teams inspire no passion in me. typing this feels like watching women's soccer, or the wnba, or something else that's boring and i don't like.

yanks-indians: the indians have the best 1-2 in the playoffs, but at the same time, sabathia somehow hasn't pitched against the yanks since like 2004 (not sure if that's the exact number but its been several years, that just seems hard to do) and carmona is young. i just get the feeling the yankees are too experienced to lose to the indians. luckily my bias is going to shine through here and i'm predicting a-rod will go hitless and will set himself aflame athome plate looking at strike 3 in yankee stadium (a.k.a a giant shit hole that everyone reveres for no fucking reason. seriously, it's a fucking dump. have you been there? a regular sized "jumbo" hot dog and regular sized "jumbo" soda is like $10 and that was 2 years ago. the place is disgusting and cramped, smelly and dingy, like fenway park before they decided to sink some money to clean it up a bit. i don't care that they're moving into a new stadium in 2009, if they're going to claim to be america's team, they need to at least clean out the rats. i'd rather eat something at the stadium in anaheim than yankee stadium). that was long. i don't even know where i left off, so sorry if you actually read that. indians in 3, torre and cashman get fired, a-rod walks to the dodgers, all is right with the world.

red sox-angels:ok so the red sox somehow finished with the best record in baseball. now, i don't know how normies (i.e. people who didn't go to china) feel about this, but i find it incomprehensible. not that we didn't deserve to make the playoffs, but it seems like we've been a .500 team since i've been home. not bad, but nothing special. of course, all the damage happened when i was in beijing, which sucked because i couldn't revel in any of it. remember that back to back to back to back home run game against the yanks in october? sure was fun to watch wasn't it? o yea, i had espn game cast on. and ran back to check the score in between classes. really fucking fun. the only advantage to being cut off from sports is that the nfl playoffs didn't happen last year. last i heard, we beat the jets, and pulled out the game in san diego, then the playoffs were cancelled. no afc chamionship. no super bowl. no pro bowl (but then again no one cares about the pro bowl anyways). after the chargers game, next thing i knew we'd signed adalius thomas and traded for randy moss. maybe the super bowl counts double this year since it didn't happen last year. hm... so back to the original thought, somehow we got home field throughout the playoffs. sweet. and beckett just fadumped the angels. mannys back. ortiz is hitting. mikey lowell is a gentleman of cuban descent with a fine mustache. and eric gagne single handedly tried to kill my fantasy and make me commit suicide. sox will win in 4

i kinda did a china story above but i'm going to elaborate on the sports thing. ok so before i went to college, i maintained that one of my goals was for my school to make the ncaa basketball tournament, and i'd be in the front row, with my chest painted in my school colors. this is a fact. ask my parents, they will confirm it. so going to villanova, there was a good probability of this happening. they've made it every year since i've been in college. however, freshman year, i was on spring break and couldn't attend the game. sophomore year, i was at hc and we lost in the patriot league championship. HOWEVER, last year, we beat bucknell and made the tourny. we were playing in ohio and the school was offering a bus to the game. of course i was in china and my dream died. so anyway, we drew southern illinois and the game was scheduled for 10am saturday march 17 beijing time i.e. st. patricks day. so we decided we would go to lush, a cool bar/restaurant with internet access to watch the game and start our drinking since they were offering 10 kuai Guinesses all day (equivalent of $1.25) so we get to the bar on time, but, of course, the internet isn't working. i can't connect to the slingbox and the cbs site where you can watch online won't load, so we're reduced to watching espn gamecast again. if i hadn't had that in china, i probably would have hung myself. so finally corey, another hc kid, got his web cam to work and he got his friends back in connecticut to point their webcam towards the tv so we could watch the game (at first it wasn't the hc game but it switched over). so at 11am on a saturday morning, there were 10 or so americans drinking, eating breakfast and all huddled around a laptop cheering a game through a video chat. so of course, hc lost, because things work like that, but it was close. afterwards, the bar tried to scam us on the Guiness. they said that the "10 kuai Guiness all day" didn't actually apply until after noon, because this is china and why would "all day" actually mean "all day" (i.e. 24 hours). that would be ridiculous. after about 20 mins of back and forth arguing, we got a round of Guiness for 10 kuai then left to go wander around wu dao kou and drink, cuz thats how we roll. ok this is too long, i think i've been writing for close to 20 mins, so i'm done for now, i'll post again by the time lcs start

Sunday, July 29, 2007

"sir, where do i pay?"
"uh... you take a ticket then you pay when you exit"
"here's my dollar"
"you don't pay here. you take a ticket and pay when you get off"
"what do i do?"
"you take a ticket and pay when you get off"
"where do i get a ticket"
"you see this yellow thing?"
*points at yellow thing*
"you take a ticket from this"
"where do i get a ticket again?"
"you've got to be kidding me. take THIS ticket"
*pulls ticket from machine and hands it to man*
"and you give the ticket to the collector at the other end and pay him"
"ok well here's my dollar"
"YOU DON'T PAY HERE PLEASE JUST GO."

and scene.

Friday, July 27, 2007

ok it's 230 in the morning and i'm bored, so here's the story of the time i almost got my ass kicked in china:
so anyway, it was a wednesday night at propaganda (one day ill write of the gloriousness that was prop, but for brevity's sake i'll just call it a bar we frequented on wednesday evenings). so we were on the dance floor (yar, i've been known to cut a rug, if you will, when im heavily under the influence) and it was quite crowded there. now dance floors suck. seriously. anyone who has ever been to a club and tells you they like dance floors is a liar who should be strung up from the nearest flagpole. so anyway, we had the campfire going (as always) and there was a small group of people who wanted to make their way by us to what i assume was the vip area (it was a few tables and booths behind where the dj did his magic, i'm just assuming it was a vip area). these people are walking by (i only remember a guy and a girl, though im certain there was at least one more) and the guy, quite rudely walked into me and gave me a bit of a shove. now i don't fancy myself to be an asshole. if i'm in a crowd, and someone gives me a tap, i'll make whatever room i can for them to pass by. however, i don't take kindly to being shoved when it is completely unnecessary. so i got a bit agitated, and as he walked by, i kinda gave him an elbow to the neck. completely innocuous, i swear. now, i probably could've gotten away with the elbow. it was crowded, and perhaps it was just a crazy dance move i did to get all bitches to swarm.even if i'd acknowledged the elbow with an 'oops, my bad' face, things would have been fine. however, as i have alluded to, i was somewhat under the influence, so after a step or so he turned around to give me a stare and for some reason i was still looking at him and returned the glare. (i feel at this point i should mention he was wearing a yankees hat. im not implying anything about yankees fans being assholes, im just trying to provide a visual. he was also asian, most likely chinese. again, just a visual). so we lock eyes, him looking like he wants to make me bleed, and me, returning the gaze cuz im an idiot. so he starts backing up while keeping his eyes locked on me. im still not looking away. then he starts trying to come at me. luckily his girlfriend, sister, or something was between us and holding him back. otherwise it wouldn't have been pretty. so anyway, i turn back to my friends after i'm certain he's no longer a threat and continue making an ass out of myself. i turn around a minute later, and the kid is still standing there staring at me, which made me feel somewhat uneasy since i imagine my fighting prowess probably isn't up to par. luckily at this point, some people were leaving so we all relocated upstairs, giving me a great excuse to extricate myself from a situation where that kid didn't seem to want to forgive and forget.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

ok, so not to harp on a somewhat minor issue, but since i keep getting put in the $1 booths, im going to keep railing against retards (yes, retards, no politcally correct crap. if you cant figure this stuff out, you probably shouldnt have a drivers license). dont come up to my booth and ask me where interstate 95 is. please. driving under the sign that says "interstate 95 waltham/ dedham" would be too easy. seriously. were just screwing with you. take route 30, thats the real way to get to 95.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

okle, china post!
so these stories are going to have no discernable order to them, they're just going to be stream of conscience things that i remember from the trip. some will be funny and interesting, others... not so much, but the chance of reading something great will keep you coming back for more!
so anyway towards the end of the trip as beijing became less of a freezing cold mass of grey dreariness that made you want to kill yourself and instead transformed into a simmering polluted kettle that made you sweat your balls off just by standing outside (no lie or exaggeration there. if i was outside from late april through the end of the trip and i didn't have a cool beverage in my hand, my balls were literally sweating) we began to play touch football games. the beijing institute of education campus could not handle a game of this sort since it really didn't have much free space (though we did have a basketball court) and the ground was all cement anyway, which isn't really conducive to any type of football. so we began to play football at the college campus next door which had a giant artificial turf field.
we technically weren't allowed to use the field since we weren't actual students of the college. however, being the rebels that we are, this did not stop us. we just went onto the field. i think we were questioned once but we just told them in chinese we attended the school and were left alone after that, which is all that matters. so we'd take up around, i'll call it 40% of the soccer field for our game. there was still enough room for a large soccer game on the field, and they weren't using it anyway, so no worries. one day as we were playing, some punk douche chinese kids decided after their gym class ended that they were going to play a little soccer by shooting on a goal, which is within their right. however, they had to choose the goal right in the middle of where we were playing. what started out as annoying began to piss us off very quickly as they wouldn't move out of our way. it all culminated on a 4th down play where a pass was thrown to si de fu (sp?) but instead of catching the pass (which should've happened), he piled into one of the snot nosed assholes who were interrupting our game. after that we got pissed at them, which led to us insulting them in english to their faces (which of course had no effect since they didn't understand what we were saying) and us kicking their ball away if given the chance. after about 10 mins of that, i think they understood whos field it was and they left, never to be heard from again. that is the power of american intimidation.
"another day in paradise, dealing with these fucking idiots out here"
-greeting given to me by a boston police officer as he pulled up to my booth earlier today

before i delve into my first china story here, i have a group project for anyone who actually bothers to read this (re:matt kane) and happens to live in the boston metropolitan area. drive westbound on the mass pike one day from newton and go through the interchange where 90 and 95 meet. read the signs. see how clearly marked they are. be thankful you arent a retard. whenever i work the westbound tolls where 90 and 95 meet many people come through claiming they got off the mass pike by accident because the signs are 'confusing' or 'it's not clearly marked'. now, i dont know about anyone else, but when there are two distinct signs, one for interstate 95, and the other for interstate 90 west, it's probably a good idea to drive under the sign of the road you'd like to travel. but everyday (my highest count was 84 for an 8 hour shift) many idiots come through believing the signs are in chinese characters. they make me want to stab them for being morons and myself for having to deal with them everyday. next time i drive that way, i'll have a camera ready to take pic to give some photo evidence of this post so i don't come off as a complete rambling idiot. china post in a few mins...

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

by the way, i went 3-1 in my wild card round picks. from, you can infer that i wouldnt have lost another game if id continued picking on the blog (except for that stupid pats-colts game that made me want to stab myself in the eye or the super bowl, the first one i missed since the cowboys were kicking the crap out of the bills in 1992. stupid china).

im an idiot, but you already knew that.

ok so i started this thing as a means to relay stories from the great motherland back to americans without having to repeat the same story over and over and over again. then two things happened. 1) i no longer have any friends, so i dont have to repeat these stories to anyone and 2) i forgot what email address i had this blog under, so ive been logging in under the wrong name for the past five months, unable to post, and too stupid to understand why. im an idiot. so anyway im going to start using this again (or i guess for the first time) and ill post stories on work on china as they come along, so log in if you want to get the inside scoop on how much prostitutes cost on beijing or how to deftly avoid doing anything at your summer job, then this is the place to be! ill post an actual story in the next few days, probably about japan cuz thats still fresh in my mind.

Saturday, January 6, 2007

NFL Playoffs

Quick post on the playoffs starting tomorrow, since I want my picks to be immortalized in cyberspace so I can be mocked mercilessly when I'm proven wrong (though I will say I came in 1st and 3rd in my two fantasy leagues and came in first in my family's pick 'em challenge).

Colts- Chiefs
I hate the Colts. They suck. Peyton's a deuche. Vinatieri stabbed New England in the heart. I am not rational about them. Therefore, I believe Larry Johnson will run for 300 yards and 4tds.
Chiefs 38 Colts 28

Seahawks- Cowboys
Drew Bledsoe watch. If Homo gets the hook, how is he going to be able to live blog and play Hall of Fame caliber QB at the same time? Personally, I don't know but we'll find out tomorrow night...
Cowboys 183 Seahawks 12 (if Bledsoe plays, otherwise Seahawks 21 Cowboys 17)

Pats- Jets
Even with all the problems the Pats have had this year, and Rodney injured again, the Pats aren't losing at home in the playoffs against the freaking Jets.
Pats 24 Jets 14

I'd write about the other game, but I'm sick of typing and the Giants suck, so they're going to lose to a QB T.O. thinks is gay. Good for them.

Thursday, January 4, 2007

Argh

First off, it just took me about twenty minutes to log into this thing which was annoying beyond belief. I'm blaming google for being stupid on this one and pissing me off. Anyway, I'm posting this now since a certain Matt K., no wait, too obvious M. Kane is anxiously awaiting news.
So I leave for Beijing in like four days, which is weird. I haven't really been thinking about it much, its just been an abstract in the future that I figured I could worry about later. Unfortunately, later is now, since I have a ton of crap to do and the world does not work at my convenience (which is pretty much Beijing time, except I want it to work that way in Boston... if that makes any sense). So in between all the craziness (and driving an hour around the metro Boston area looking for a fucking Slush Puppy, but that's a different story), I have of course had to talk about my feelings on going to Beijing for five months. I appreciate people's interest in my travels, since not many people run off to China for extended periods of time, but I have been asked if I'm excited about going to Beijing probably about 100x in the past week and it's getting kinda annoying. Lets get some new questions. We could talk about food, places I want to see, or how cheap shit is there. Instead, I get the general 'are you excited' question. STOP ASKING THAT IT TAKES NO EFFORT, TRY A LITTLE HARDER IF YOU'RE GOING TO FEIGN INTEREST. Shitty questions get shitty answers. Next time I'm asked, I'm going to reply that I'm excited about all the gay sex I'm going to have there. Or something like that, but probably not.