UPS Blog Post (i.e. Pictures of My Clit)

In continuing the series of guest blog posts but such esteemed luminaries like.... uh.... Brusty, he has returned once again to lend us a tale from his time as a UPS delivery boy from the previous December. What follows is in his words, completey unedited (so it'll probably be littered with misspellings and be somewhat nonsensical, just the way I like it). Also, before I post his... uh... post, I want to address his claim that this blog is more barren than the women he caroled to at the nursing home in Worcester. While I can't speak to the barreness (or lack thereof) of said women, this is the 3rd post on this blog in the past 12 or so hours, a new record. Also, thanks to this sudden outburst of productiveness, February is on pace for the most posts in a single month since I started this blog. So take that! BAM! Here's Alex:


I took a look at Andrew’s blog the other day and thought it looked a little bleak… more barren even than the women I caroled to at the nursing home. Now since it is indeed the season for pleasing I thought I would give Andrew a little holiday spirit of my own and write a quick little blog entry for him. Today’s topic will be in keeping with every other article Andrew has ever posted, and thus this will be a sarcastic and biting article with overtones of complaints. To get right to it, I will be posting about my adventures as a UPS delivery boy!

I’m assuming many of you knew I was working as a UPS delivery boy, but for the sake of all the other readers of this blog who aren’t friends with me I will tell you that I am working part time delivering packages for UPS. As you can imagine, there are many adventures that can come about from trekking across neighborhoods and of course trespassing. In addition, seeing as it is a job, there are many complaints that will come with the job. Below is a list of stories/complaints/comments on what has occurred thus far on the job:

1.) The town of Wellesley is full of douchebags (with apologies to my friends who live there). I live in Newton and Wellesley is supposed to be our loving sister city and we are supposed to be friends, but in reality I don’t think we like each other very much. This may have something to do with them being jealous of my town being the 8th safest city in America... anyways, I never really cared enough about hating on Wellesley until I began delivering packages for them. The people in the town just love to complain! It’s like they are on a huge power trip and don’t care about the fact that we’re trying to do our job because as long as it is interrupting their routine they are going to yell at us. We got into several arguments with these women with sand in their vag who kept giving us shit because we were blocking traffic and forcing them to drive their cars on the snow banks. I guess it’s funny watching my driver screaming at middle aged women to get over themselves, but it did get annoying.
2.) Complaint #2 is that over half of the houses I’ve delivered to don’t have address numbers on their houses. Now this is fine for the people who work full time at UPS because they obviously will learn their way around the neighborhood, but for someone like me working part time, this is a big issue. Its dark at 4:30 and everyone’s house is dark- how am I supposed to find anything? I probably left some package at the wrong address but my driver said it was fine, because it isn’t Dorchester so no one is gonna steal it. Zing!
3.) Is it really that hard to put some sand or salt on the driveway? Honestly, the driveways were so slippery and iced over I’m surprised I didn’t break my back. I did break a few packages which I used to help break my fall, but I really don’t care. If they had fixed the driveway, that never would have happened.
4.) I just wanted to complain about a Dr. Pierce who lives somewhere in Wellesley and doesn’t salt his driveway. That’s the only driveway I’ve fallen in, and I was quite angry about it (aka throwing his package against his door angrily). He probably gets his customers by having people break their legs on ice. Don’t give Dr. Pierce any service!
5.) I was almost shot on the job, and by shot I mean I was threatened by a milky ass 16-year-old punk. The car in front of their house was blocking traffic, so my driver got out and asked the kid if he could move it. He said no, because he wasn’t old enough to drive. So the driver then asked if he could have his mom move the car. The kid said she was on the phone and couldn’t come out until later. We dropped off the packages we could to give the kid’s mom a chance to move the car, but when we came back and saw it hadn’t been moved my driver flipped out and started yelling at the kid to get off his ass and move the car. The kid’s mom runs out and they all start swearing at each other. The kid kept yelling that he was going to punch the driver in the face, and then he said he was going to call some friends up and have the driver shot. I asked him, “how do you know someone that can kill us if you can’t drive a car?” which he didn’t reply to. At that point his mom had move the car so we drove off, but not before my driver shouted “douchebag” once more!
6.) My UPS jacket doesn’t have pockets, which warrants a complaint.
7.) I got really excited when I realized that I had a delivery to Greg Hughes’ house and gave him a call, but he didn’t answer! Luckily his mom did and we had a lovely little chat.
8.) My driver is a horn-dog and literally every girl we drove by that was between 16-50 got a whistle and an explanation on how he would do her. This led to an embarrassing situation when a girl with very tight pants on walked by. He started whistling and saying things like, “damn, check out the ass on that broad,” at which point she stopped and stared at out truck. The window was open. A more embarrassing story was when the same thing essentially happened, except after he had told the girl she was hot from our passing car we realized we had forgotten to deliver the package to her. That meant us awkwardly backing the truck up and hand delivering the package.

OK well that’s good enough for now. Hopefully you enjoyed that, and if you didn’t, you can blame Andrew because it’s his blog.

Love,
Alex