The Day I Almost Wet Myself

So today's tale is about the day I locked myself out of my room and went into full-blown panic mode (kinda like how at the end of X-Mas break last year I was the first one back to the room and managed to forget our room combination over the course of one month. Perhaps I drink too much.). Anyway, I'm trying to get into a regular posting routine to get rid of all my old stuff and start writing new material, so enjoy!


So, as I’m about to embark on my latest Wuxi adventure (though adventure may not a proper title. Misadventure is more like it, and even at that, this could’ve happened anywhere, not just Wuxi, so maybe it’s best just to call it a mishap), I’m channel flipping (China cable, now with one English speaking station!) and I just discovered CSPN. That’s right, the Chinese Sports Programming Network! Just like American ESPN except with more soccer (Manchester is currently playing Bordeaux, with what little I know about soccer, I know this can’t be a Premier League match, so I don’t know why this is happening). I’m not sure if the CSPN name is meant to be a knock off of ESPN or just a coincidence, but it does conjure up memories of Feichang Kele 非常可乐 (that’s Feichang Coke or ‘Very Good Coke’, a Chinese knock-off of regular Coke. Go figure. Same type of bottle and everything, but with the motto ‘the Coke for Chinese made by Chinese’. I’m not sure if that’s an enticing slogan though. Regardless, the taste leaves something to be desired).
Anyway, so today, I locked myself out of my room. Now, I’ve been trying to buy a keychain for the past two or so weeks. When I say ‘try’, I mean that in the sense that it’s me trying to shop for something I need, so I halfheartedly look when I remember I need it, but that doesn’t happen too often. My two best bets were both in Beijing last weekend: one, at the Lama Temple, was interrupted by the fact that I forgot when my plane back to Wuxi took off (I thought it was 6, when that’s actually when the plane landed...). When I remembered it was two hours earlier than I’d been planning, we quickly had to leave before I could souvenir shop or even see the giant Buddha, which was disappointing. The other was at Beijing Airport (quick note: I make fun of Wuxi alot. It’s a mid sized Chinese city and, while it fulfills my meager needs, does leave alot to be desired, especially when compared with a metropolis like Beijing. Wuxi is kinda like Providence, Rhode Island. With lowered expectations, Providence isn’t that bad a place: nice mall, good restaurants, some fun stuff to do/look at. However, if you compare Providence to New York City, it looks like a backwater shit hole. Therefore, if you compare Wuxi to Beijing or Shanghai, it’s bound to suck, but when seen in a vacuum, it ain’t that bad. The reason for this note being that the Wuxi Airport, in all its tiny glory [and I mean tiny, the place has 12 terminals and I’ve been in Wal-Marts bigger than this airport, though it apparently has international flights...] has free wifi. I found out by accident when I pulled out my laptop on a lark, and was elated when I found I could go to Kissing Suzy Kolber and read some dick jokes. Absolutely made my day. When I attempted to do the same at the Beijing Airport [in the new terminal no less!], I couldn’t get online! Those assholes wanted to charge me for wifi! They can go to hell and rot for all I care. Bah!). So of course, I was keychainless, which meant whenever I left my room, I had to grab my key so I could lock the door. You’d think I’d always keep it in the same place so I could quickly grab it as I walked out the door. Of course, that would be logical and I couldn’t possibly do that. Often I’d be running late as I tried to remember where I put the key last. Once I had to leave with my door unlocked because I was going to be late to class if I searched any longer. I always try and make sure I check for my keys though. This Wednesday, as per usual, I woke up a bit late and was scrambling to get to class on time. In my rush out the door, I managed to forget my keys. Luckily I remembered I forgot them; however, I had that moment of brilliance one second after I slammed my locked door behind me. Awesome.
I realized there was nothing I could do so I quickly went to class and tried to forget about it.
After class ended, I set about getting a spare key so I could get myself over the kindergarten class for the day, which begins at 3. It was only 1130 but it takes at least 90 minutes to get there, because I have to transfer buses, and since I’m a fat ass, I always stop at McDonald’s for lunch in between buses. So I immediately call the FAO (Foreign Affairs Secretary Who Shall Not Be Named. Next July there will be a HUGE write-up on him. It’ll make Mel Gibson in Braveheart look like a fucking pussy.) because he should have a spare key. Of course he’s not answering his phone. Everyone knows you can’t answer a cell phone unless it’s plugged into an outlet. Being able to carry a phone to different places so you can be reached conveniently by those looking for you is pure balderdash and I will have none of it! Anyway, so I stop by his office and he’s not there. I was told maybe at 330 he’d be back. Too late for me. So I go to the English office and tell the teacher there who set me up with the kindergarten job I may not be able to go because I was locked out of my room, I had no money, and I didn’t have any of my kindergarten supplies. After a few minutes, she tells me I’m allowed to be late and they could give me some stuff to use with the kids. Great, but I still have no way to get there.
I walk back to the dorm and strike up a conversation with one of the drill soldiers on duty. He feels bad and starts called the FAO to see if he could help. Lo and behold, the FAO answers his phone for him! He must’ve been in a tunnel or something when I was calling. That’s it. Anyway, the 330 time is confirmed so I’m still fucked. I thank the soldier. He offers to let me chill in his room but I told him I couldn’t.
My next move was to knock on one of the Koreans’ door and ask for a hair clip to try and pick the lock. Each of us tried for 15 minutes with two clips, but to no avail, the door was still locked. She felt bad so she gave me some food for lunch and lent me 100 kuai so I could get around for the day. Absolutely awesome of her. It’s 130 at this point so I start on my merry way. I manage to catch a bus immediately (yay for luck! and it wasn’t even grossly overcrowded!) and get to the train station on time to eat some McDonald’s (I know you all were worried...). I got the kindergarten on time, ran class (with that little girl still bawling her eyes out whenever she saw me. She’s finally gotten over that though, only took 5 weeks), and was informed that the FAO got back at 430 (late?! No! Never!) and handed over my key to my Korean friend, which was promptly given to me at dinner that night. Good times. So that’s my lost key tale. I did finally manage to get a keychain when I was in HK (blog post on that trip coming up, plus the exciting conclusion of Korea!), plus mom and dad sent one over. So now I have two and my ass jingles whenever I walk. No it’s not overkill.